.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
|
CHAPTER #1 "
....I am stuck in life with my Dysphoria. My wife won't let me cross dress. She destroys everything I bring home that is feminine. I've always been able to control my dysphoria and inner feelings for years but not any more.
I feel like I am right back where I started and I have to reevaluate or analize myself again. I remember when I first found out in 1971 that there was a medical term used to describe my inability to accept myself as a man. The term was Transexual.
I remembered trying to figure out if I was a Transvestite or Transsexual or inbetween. I gathered information from the library and it seemed that the more information I gathered, the more I became depressed. I knew I was different and that I had Conflicting Gender issues through my teens, but I didn't even know what the word gender or transgendered even meant.
Even then I tried to follow the Doctors advice and transition. Easier said than done. I remember my blonde perm and my father's dislike for it and my open
frankness of being more caring and loving and that I did not care for men in general. Of course I was 20 then with a failed education and raising a 1 year old at the time.
My first wife left me after I shared my feelings and cross dressed. So I was left to raise my first child alone. At that time even with Dr. Hyde's experience and help it was next to impossible to reach my needs. At the time , society was totally unaccepting. I would find myself at Darcelle's. It seemed that there was no where else to go.
The only resource was the Erickson foundation out of Louisianna. I drove there only to find a locked door. I remember recieving their newsletter and reading it 3 times or more. But it just depressed me more because I could not be myself at the time.
Like so many others at the time, I had to distinguish what was reality and then what the reality of my life situation was. Then add in the peer pressure from 7 brothers and the fact that I was a mormon as was most of the rest of the family.
I pondered how I could find a way to transition. What kind of job could I get and would they be accepting? Would I put myself in a deeper depression if I lost everything and everybody.
After all this is Portland Oregon, made up of alot of rednecks at the time. And so it was that because of all of the pressure and name calling and financial pressure, religion, family, well the pressure was great. Now I would find myself aware of the fact that I was living a lie.
My mind did not match the body. I couldn't deal with it and had a break down. I started using a pair of scissors between my legs. Well that hurts?! Healing time for trying to dismember yourself takes a long time. I would try this numerously in my various stages of depression.
I quit my job and put my daughter temporarily with her mother while I tried to get my head together.
Then came the drugs to passify the hurt , or scatter my thoughts. Eventually with little or no support, I was pressured back into the closet and back into a very hyper macho work environment. I realized I was not just a hipocrite living with one lie after another, but also I was becoming very withdrawn. I would try to be a people pleaser because I found no value in myself.
I lived in fear and shame and guilt. I would pretend to be happy but wanted off this planet.
I didn't fit in and I couldn't see how I could find funds or support for my needs. I thought I was strong enough to move forward with this, a little at a time, and just live in the closet.
But times were not changing rapidly enough to allow for change. I was just being a coward I guess, and would live that way for 13 years.
I lived in fear and disgust for my inability to transition. I was not even enjoying the cross dressing that much because I was unable to mentally be stimulated. Sure, I would venture out now and then, but I would look for support and find only that I was being supported by occasional preditures who had other motives in mind.
After 13 years of mental discomfort I thought it best to try to be what I was born as. I thought I was strong enough, or conditioned enough to meet that challenge and I really tryed hard.
I eventually met my brothers sister in law and we had a good time, and good sex and saw each other regularly and I remarried.
I tried to keep my issues hidden, but my honesty prevailed and I was compelled to tell her what was going on in my head and what I had gone through in life. From that came alot of problems including drunkeness and rage from her, and then I found out that my brother had an affair with her after only three months of marriage and that she was pregnant.
I was devestated and felt crazy, after all My transexualism was termed as a mental disorder at the time.
I wanted to be normal and do the right thing ; now I was under even more pressure to conform to what others would consider to be normal.
It was a mans world for me with all of those brothers and the Mormanism. Finally I had to get a grip.
I would try to save the marriage, and show forgiveness.
Since I was the abnormal one, I would hide my feelings for 20 years. *** Stay tuned for part 2 next month " A TIME for Change "
Chapter 2. A Need For Change
Chapter #2 - " A Need For Change "
.............................................................................................................
|
|
Home page
Chapter 1.
" The Past "
Chapter 2.
" A Need For Change "
Chapter 3.
" Realizing The Change "
Chapter 4.
" Should I Fully Transition ? "
Chapter 5.
" IS TRANSITIONING NECESSARY FOR ALL TRANSSEXUALS? "
Chapter 6.
" Choosing a Doctor"
...............................................
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
|
******E-Mail---
WEBMISTRESS -- click here -->: