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Carrie Sue Baldwin
Dear Diary
“A Need For Change”
For years now, I’ve lived with denial, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt and depresion.
So, alright, I followed the Doctors advice in 1971, and took my hormones and mustered up enough courage to tell my family ,freinds, employer, what was going on and that I felt too feminine to continue trying to live my life as a man or doing any masculine junk.
Yeah sure I did !
Where did it get me? - back in the closet and embarased for life.
Too bad I didn’t listen to good advice when I had it, by following through. But I was also torn and pulled from living my life for my own needs. I had a baby to raise as a father and on my own. No, I guess it just was too hard and unaccepting at the time. Too bad for sure!
Now here I am in a second marriage with a 17 year old, and a 30 year old, and a grandaughter too.
It has all come full circle. I can’t do this anymore! I would rather not be here! What am I going to do? Perm my hair and let my Dad ridicule me again? Break out how? I can’t do that , or what I am doing anymore.
I am too unhappy and becoming even more miserable to myself and others. I don’t like me. I am a lie. Yet I guess this is not the past. People are more accepting now.
I want some happiness before I die. Not just passified, with splurges and cars and toys. Always trying too substitute other things in life for happiness. When does my happiness start. Yet if I follow through with what I consider to be my needs, will I be dooming myself to more unhappiness and depression? Where is the guidance and answers to my needs? Am I to continue tabling my needs for everyone elses? Why do I do it? Religion, doing the right thing, the children?
I have put my time in. I think I could make the change, if I have to. But what about my wife and the rest of the family and their thing about me? I just can’t control my feminine feelings or my need to transition and deal with the realities of my own repressed thoughts. Can I do it? I have to think double time about expressing myself both verbally and physically. All this turmoil. I never asked to be like this. I can’t deal with this.
This isn’t the old days when all there was for help was a newsletter from the Erickson Foundation. There is more than tidbits of info out there now. Where do I go? I won’t get any support from my Morman family I know that. Where will I work? I will have to quit my job and be a cashier somewhere or have a low paying job. Train to be a nurse maybe; but not to have to deal with people in a cab. What job can I transition in, and who would want me? Sneers, gaping, giggling at each other, while watching me, name calling, spit at, social pressures to conform. Family pressure, religion, financial pressure to perform.
It’s not fair. I suppose I am a freak to others. I am greatly depressed and I am losing a grip on this, it’s a headache and it is exhausting me, to live this way.
I think the depression is what is exhausting me. Will I just be pressured to go back into the closet for another 30 years, and have to deal with all this hyper macho shit some more?
I am scared as heck but I am compelled to allow for change because I have no control over my thoughts, actions or feminine expressions. I am too much of a woman mentally, with a man's body. And if I had a womans body? I wonder? Who would I be with, and what would my life be like? Would society accept me?
I haven’t been to bed with a man in over 20 years. I don’t think men are for me . I would probably have to be a lesbian. How would I know? How will I get my wife to be a lesbian with me, and if she says, she wants a man? I married her because I loved her . She says, she will leave me, and probably will, after that night over at Bone Heads. How depressing for Sherry, to live that nightmare, with me. And then, to go banging on all the windows and doors over there, while her mother is getting laid by Bone Head. Poor Sherry; both her parents, are a nightmare.
Is it all my fault? Guilt!!! Why do I feel commited to my wife after she went to bed, with my brother anyway? Have I fully forgiven her or just can’t forget? Or neither? Stay together for the kids? In my own insecurity
I don’t want change because I am afraid of it. I have wounds from the last time also, that says “why put yourself through it“? Still, I loved her even after the police hauled her away the other night, for rage, and drunkeness and beating me up. I cried so hard watching her being arrested and hauled off. I just wanted her to stop and calm down , but the police took her away. What a night to remember, how will I fix all the holes in the walls? Or the relationship? My face is bruised and a black eye.
All this therapy and permisiveness to be yourself while you watch the walls literaly being torn down. Well they say, to expect to loose everything, and that anything you keep is a plus! It has been a bit overboard with her. I guess it has been a let down for her, to not be able to be co-dependant on me.
Maybe it’s just been a system overload, and things will get better. But I doubt it. The kids are pist. I feel the longlasting impact of having called the police. I think it’s over. She’s locked away in the other room playing the same old Cher song over and over again. “Do you believe in love after love”.
It’s all coming apart. Have I willed this? Is this the price I have to pay to express myself openly? If I didn’t get help would, I have given myself permision to express who I am.
It hurts that I can’t be a pillar of strength for Sherry. I try to help her but often she rejects and expresses anger and disapointment. I try to put my foot down, for allowing for the changes I need. Yet I am fighting opposition from loved ones, at every turn. Now I am an ears length away from any more rage, or fights. The wife will not touch Sherry again! Yes I have sided with her instead of my own wife. Give them all time to adjust, I guess.
Maybe this is why they called it a mental disorder, years ago. I wonder if it still is? I have always resented men for their insenstivity, lack of kindness, and understanding. This is anger, because I don’t want to associate with men right now, in my life? Yet I must be insensitive also to get my needs addressed.
Women are always more compassionate and sensitive. Why can’t I just be me, and express what I feel? There are many insensitive women out there and probably many kind men. I turn my hatred and anger to myself now, for living a lie, and for allowing this to happen to my family and myself.
Which gender do I choose, and to satisfy whom? I guess, I am the wrong doer here. Why am I, on this planet, with so many issues? I am helpless. I don’t want to be aggressive now. What am I doing to my family? I have no choices left. I just need to be assertive, and to tend to, my growing needs right now, despite their needs. I must change my life. My mind says, be who I am, whatever that is.
All this is happening because, I am getting support, I guess, Or I wouldn’t have the strength or the Know how. Tired now, so exhausted.
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Home page
Chapter 1.
" The Past "
Chapter 2.
" A Need For Change "
Chapter 3.
" Realizing The Change "
Chapter 4.
" Should I Fully Transition ? "
Chapter 5.
" IS TRANSITIONING NECESSARY FOR ALL TRANSSEXUALS? "
Chapter 6.
" Choosing a Doctor"
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