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Carrie Sue Baldwin
Dear Diary
“ REALIZING THE CHANGE "
My thoughts are focused on the changes that I want, and the changes that those changes will make. It all adds up to a lot of change. But even now, as I look back after one year of changes already incurred. I have come a long way. I think it is wonderful that I have finally done enough counseling and group therapy, to give myself permission to be who I am. It hasn’t been easy. So now life becomes a question of “mind over matter“. “I don’t mind, and they don’t matter“. It gives me strength to say this to myself. It’s like a mind set for me. I have no choice in the matter anyway. My mind has evolved or transitioned to a stage in my life, that I could never return to living a lie 24-7, ever again. I enjoy using my freedom of expression and it gives me great pride to realize the new me, and who I am, and what I am about. I have discovered that, for me, if I want to look good on the outside, then I have to look good on the inside. If I feel good inside to myself, as a person, then I can shine naturally. It’s not al positive, when your surrounded by the realism that there will always be some negative vibes, coming from one direction or another. It will be a constant battle through my life to deal with that reality. Yet I choose to deal with it. Asserting myself has been difficult and even hit and miss. I realize that I have not been honest with everyone about who I was trying to be and covering up and hiding the true me. I think some people are both hurt, and mad about it. They don’t realize It hasn’t been easy. There is always some recognition that I am putting myself out there at risk. The risk of embarrassment, rejection, loss of friends and family and the possibility of my job. What change comes without money? I have tested the water in every way, and I know this is the right and natural thing for me to do. There are times when I just really enjoy the bliss of all of the changes I incur. I also realize that there are different levels and stages of transitioning. And many do not make it all the way for some reason. I can not understand how some choose to not fully transition. For some I know it is choice and others the inability. For some just part way. I guess what ever works for one person will not meet the needs of the next. And who is to judge or label? I guess I have enough stuff to keep up with, then to concern myself for their plight. Yet even now it bothers me that if a transgender individual is not giving a 100 % presentation, that maybe they are making it bad for me, or others transitioning ? Am I right or wrong on this? I really do not want others to think that I am a drag queen or transvestite! I want them to know that I am a woman that feels with her heart, and as a woman, I feel that I have a fiduciary responsibility to be all woman and not mock or disrespect them as someone who falls short of being what they are. Maybe this would rock their foundation and they might dislike me for not representing them in an honorable way . Or respecting their gender! Am I pre-judging individuals again, or myself ? Don’t I have enough to keep up with? Oh well, I am at the beginning of many changes that need to be made, I don’t think that my transitional changes will ever end.
Dear diary, I am finding that ,my being honest about myself , brings more joy than hurt. And that things seem to weigh out to be, more positive than negative. Although it is not easy right now, I am optimistic that things could get better as time passes by. I have lost so much weight and I like my figure just fine. I feel like I can actually be competitive. I am continuing to wait out transitioning all the way, for Sherry. She asked me to wait until she graduates. And now she just got kicked out of school again in her last year. Problems and more problems with her keeping it together. But with her mom gone now and a new mother, and the loss of her father ? Well I guess they call it a system overload. Too much information to process and maybe too much hurt as well. I’m trying to hang in there as both but I can’t do this. The road has all been a long one and the need for change has been magnified. I see the need to make the change all the way, yet It is hurting me to wait the full change. Am I deciding here and now to make the full change? I can’t process information as correctly, or as naturally, while trying to live a lie to others, or while transitioning in the wrong body anymore. As the old information is recycled with a new perspective, I will save the newer perspective and discard the old foundation until it has all been recycled. Is this a natural process? I think it is more than just recycling. I think it is restructuring my thought patterns in my mind, and with all different priorities. Priorities such as hair and nails and presentation have always been suppressed, so why am I so surprised? Maybe it is because I am so boldly disallowing the past to have an influence on my many needed changes. Stop giving it all to others and take time for me? How, when there are still children involved. My changes are limited and restricted. Yet I have no choice. The mind does what it needs to do to survive.
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Home page
Chapter 1.
" The Past "
Chapter 2.
" A Need For Change "
Chapter 3.
" Realizing The Change "
Chapter 4.
" Should I Fully Transition ? "
Chapter 5.
" IS TRANSITIONING NECESSARY FOR ALL TRANSSEXUALS? "
Chapter 6.
" Choosing a Doctor"
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