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Carrie Sue Baldwin
Dear Diary
“SHOULD I FULLY TRANSITION ?”
Well I guess I am weighing out the cituation I am in. I have a lot of questions and not enough answers. It seems that not all of the information is out there. If it is, then it is in bits and peices. I have to find all of the answers myself, and put the whole picture together. Why wasn't I just born in the gender I need to be. Why does my mind reject my body and my whole existance of who I was? Yet I am who I have become. Why can't I control my dysphoria? Why does my family relationships have to suffer the consequences of my changes. I have imposed changes that amount to problems and hurt for both myself and family. If I change all the way over, to who I think I am, then I stand to lose everything and everybody. I know there is no turning this around now. It has been over a year, and I think it is becoming too hard to disallow for the changes now that have become a part of who I am. It is time to decide a course of action, and move forward with my transitioning in the work place. I must follow the standards of care test for one year in the gender of my choosing. Only then can I recieve my letter from the gate keeper. (Letter of recomendation for sex reassignment surgery, by my therapist and doctor). If I do not succeed, then I do not succeed. Yet I will never know without trying and a plan is needed to to put the horse in front of my cart and proceed with my transition. I know I can do this. Yet I need more courage. I can't just sit around wondering when Sherry will graduate if she can't even get back in school now. I'm thinking that my time has come. Thus far I have enjoyed the bliss of being myself and not having to do double time in my mind with respects to how I should present myself and speak and express. I have enjoyed my ability to express openly. Some people just think I am gay. I think I am probably Bi-sexual, or lesbian. My sexuality is fluid right now, and I am still afraid of men some. I am changing in many ways. I no longer wish to look at unwanted body parts. The real decision here is when to take the risk in the work place, if I want to fully change which I do. And the real question is whether I can fully transition and intigrate into society as a productive woman. I feel like a self accomplished person who could if I don't loose my job. My presentation at work would be paramount to my success. What would I wear. I would have to do a name change and an attire change at work. Both would have to coincide with the other in the timing of things. I will have to do a cover letter to the company and test the water or take the risk. Then I have to change all of my other Identification. Big, Big changes. And probably once I do this, I won't want to turn back to the old again either, because I enjoy being who I am.
I have to say that I have noticed some anger going away. Now I have new issues I am angry over. All of my anger issues were, and are about my unhappiness and the feeling of being forced to be someone I wasn't. Yet the decision is here and now to dispell some of that anger and let it go for more happiness. I have learned that if your body parts are repugnant to me that it is probably because I didn't want the body to begin with. I just don't relate to the body or the mind set of my body. Let it go, I don't want it. That's a given and I know it. It is the discomfort that I have had all my life. Yet for so much life change and body change, I should question my own sanity for being so different. My therapy has been good and has given me enough information to act on. My concerns for an operation, and the success from that are also a question. Would scarring from the sciccors be an issue? Where will the money come from? How much Surgery could I afford and for how long? How many years of Electolosis will it take, and how much money in all? Can I keep my job? All will fail without an income or a place to prove my needs to others! Will transition ever end? Does change ever really end for anybody, reguardless of Gender? If I transition fully, will I make it all the way? My voice, my hair, my figure, manerisms, habbits, all need work and more change. Why is not an issue , but rather how, and how long, and still, how successful in the end. Or is there an end to transitioning and a new beginning? Maybe I need to realize that there is a need for improvement in all phases of life and personality and who you are as a person, reguardless of one's gender.
If one eliminates the dysphoria that was present in their mind, then what? But would I just worry about my presentaion all the more and work on perfecting that? I think so, that feels and sounds right. But if I don't look right maybe I would feel gender dysphoric the other way? I don't think so. I do think it would be nice to have enough surgery that no one could really tell the difference. Wishfull thinking? Maybe in time with practice and living it! Either which way, I am a woman and need to be who I am both in expression and body to feel more complete. I need to come all the way out of this shell and look back at what I left behind to actually realize the change that I want to impose. Will I ever feel complete? I want to be pregnant, but I can't be. Yet it is only because I was not able to reproduce and I love children too much. Is it because I can't have it, that I want it more? No way on that note. On the other hand, after raising children through two marriages for 34 years, why would I want more children anyway. I hope God accepts me and makes me a complete woman for eternity to have children later. For now I can do without children and get on with my needs. I feel like there is no choice anyway , and all the choices are in front of me. I have the power to make it happen.
Will I be wise enough to get the timing down on the change over in the work place and be able to move forward without falling on my face trying to get there? I will have to wait and see what tommorrow brings!
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Home page
Chapter 1.
" The Past "
Chapter 2.
" A Need For Change "
Chapter 3.
" Realizing The Change "
Chapter 4.
" Should I Fully Transition ? "
Chapter 5.
" IS TRANSITIONING NECESSARY FOR ALL TRANSSEXUALS? "
Chapter 6.
" Choosing a Doctor"
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